NON-SEQUITUR
Some writing, musings, and ideas that make me chuckle.
I'm always scribbling down ideas and observations on scraps of paper that I find later in the lint trap of my dryer. But sometimes I manage to get the ideas out onto more permanent mediums. Here are a few selections that give a general view into my way of interacting with the world.
Almost everyone knows what they look like Windexing a mirror.
Whenever I see a person with the tattoo "misunderstood," I'm always like "I know exactly what you mean.
A hilarious password is the ultimate inside joke.
A guy that regularly spends his whole paycheck in the AutoZone accessory aisle.
One thing about my Dad is that he always pronouced pianist like penist. And that always made me laugh. And he would act like I was being immature. I'm still not sure whether or not he was being serious. But that's what great about Dads.
If you tell Alexa to "play Limp Biscuit" three times in one month, you will receive a thumb ring in the mail the next day.
NASA discovered a new black hole comprised solely of WORDLE scores. Just tiny colored squares and meaningless fractions.
He was in over his head, like a guy at a wedding that went too low, too soon, during "Shout."
Clickbait headline: A woman collected seashells from every vacation for 27 years, what she did with them will blow your fucking mind.
I once saw a raven risk it's life for a slice of pizza, nevermore have I related to a bird.
Tripping on a soccer ball is sort of like playing a sport.
I bet that an escalator to a dog is a nightmare of terrifying immensity.
For a person that isn't a runner, I have a pretty strong opinion on runner's gaits.
One time I saw a black widow in a gas pump handle. I went inside to tell the clerk and she brought me outside and showed me her black widow car seat covers.
If you ever see me in a go kart and wonder if that go kart can go any faster, the answer is no.
A gasoline scented air freshner for electric cars.
The definition of insanity is opening a Nature Valley granola bar in your car over and over across one's lifetime and expecting different results.
At what age does your spider web tattoo become a cobweb?
I bet back in the day if you were a T-Rex that suffered from night terrors, you probably had trouble finding love.
Sweatpants pockets are basically cell phone ejection slots.
Crinkle free packaging on junk food would be a very successful innovation.
That tiny moment when you try to figure out if the person on the other line is going to repeat the number back to you at each pause or wait for you to continue.
Serifs should unionize.
He was wearing salmon slacks and an orangutan sweater.
Semantic satiation is weird. Weird. weird. WEIRD?!
If you are feeling sad, I recommend saying "Schweppes," to yourself out loud a few times in a deep southern accent.
Yoga is great for making me more aware, keenly aware, that my area rug needs vacuuming.
Man that reacts to awful sounds wth joyful dance.
If you're ever hosting a party at a dish rack, be careful of how many bowls you invite.
I'm convinced one side of the Q-Tip is objectively better than the other.
Business idea:
A gutter cleaning company where the workers are all Dads and only one guy shows up per job and he makes you hold the ladder while lecturing you on the importance of what he's doing.
Walking down street. I approach a stranger walking towards me. We make eye contact.
I cough. *gum flies out of mouth*
If you are on the rear seat of a tandem bike, I think it's safe to text but I also think it's a little rude.
This is a hilarious instruction for something completely terrifying.
This clarinet irks fascists.
I once saw a man with a handbag monagrammed with the name "Scout McGraw." I was a little disappointed. I would have hoped someone named Scout McGraw would be flying a biplane over a remote rainforest with a couple of know it all city slicking scientists and when it really counts he shows them they don't know shit from shinola.
It can be awkward trying to explain death to a child while wearing a wetsuit.
Detective Gazebo was always looking forward to retirement.
I once heard a guy crank his gas nozzle cap 4 full times after it started clicking. I almost called the police.
"This is for your own good..."he murmured while trimming his eyebrows.
One time I saw a caterpillar "hurry up."
A burnt toast Yankee candle would probably increase false alarm calls to 911.
Unreleased Shark tank episode
Guy with idea:You know how it's hard to find good firewood?
Shark 1: No
Shark 2: Not really
Anyway so it's different firewood and you can swipe if you like it or not. I call it Tinder.
Shark 1: Nope
Shark 2: Hell naw
Guest Shark: Damn! Look at that one! I feel like I could ignite your phone with an errant spark!
A guy that always drives with the interior light on just to prove his Dad wrong.
In retrospect, hindsight has never been my strongsuit.
You ever throw a raisin out of a window as hard as you can? Well, it's not as satisfying if it hits the dangling cord to the blinds on the way out.
A pretty typical haunted house but in the last room it's just your Dad on the toilet and he yells at you to close the goddamn door.
Car owners outside of New York rarely get to have their side view mirrors manipulated by strangers, I bet.
If you make eggs in the dark, be prepared to eat a little shell.
Is that Pharell? Is that for real? Is that fur real? - A fan of the Neptunes that's also a vegan
A Jamaican copier repairman at work informed me with a straight face that "tray 3 be jammin.'"
If you could back out of dinner plans last minute with anyone dead or alive, who would it be?
David Attenborough voice: Gravity is especially harsh on the Basset Hound.
App idea: Dating app for Jewish lesbians. Vajay Date.
Guy that gets arrested for fighting his foot.
If Noah loaded the ark alphabetically, the S's must have been a particularly tense time. First sloths and then snails!
Mort-Mods
A post mortem skeletal enhancement company
Regardless of how impressive you were during your life, you are just going to end up the same as everyone else once you're dead and buried. Does it keep you up at night imagining your wimpy human skeleton being discovered by some future species long after the human race succumbs to whatever nightmarish fate awaits us? You're not alone. Mort-mods has the answer. We can mod out your skeleton to your exact specifications so that the archaeologists of the future are so blown away, they might just get win a grant for further research. Who knows, they might even theorize you were the ultimate human. Pretty cool right? We have a substantial list of mods to choose from. Don't see what you like? No problem, if you can dream it, we can mod it. And the best part is, you won't feel a thing! Here are a few examples that I came up with just this morning in the shower.
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Leg extensions
Arm extensions
Double elbow
Third eye socket
Bulkier skull
Ram horns
Predator gun shoulder mounts
One single tooth that takes up your whole mouth
Multiple rows of tiny teeth
"Shark stye" teeth
Actual shark teeth
Dinosaur fossil add-ons
Elon Musk torso
Bone "cape"
Bone "visor"
Prehensile tail
Rigid tail
Truck nuts
Extra long middle finger
Flipper foot
Hammer toe
Thresher hand
Belt sander hand
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"Can We Talk"
Essay rejected by "Shouts and Murmors" published
by Medium.com
May 12, 2022
Can We Talk?
A plea from an old friend under the shed.
by Ryan Coleman
Psst.
Hey, over here. No, over here, on the ground behind the shed. It’s me, Chad, your tiki torch.
Remember me bud?
Hey wait, no, it’s totally cool. I get it. Really, I get it.
That was a bad look back in 2017. I mean, talk about the worst timing. We literally just had an epic cook out the day before! The beer was flowing, Brenda brought the potato salad with the apples in it, and your play list was absolute fire—Jack Johnson AND Rihanna?! Genius. Then just as the sun went down, Lisa fired me and my bros up and we kept the party going. We’re over there keeping the mosquitos at bay, casting that flickering ambient light as we do. Just quietly setting the scene man.
And then - BAM - one day later, just like that, totally canceled. And I get it, trust me, I get it. The optics were pretty bad. Like really? White Supremacists? In college? Who even does that? I mean like yeah, frat parties are for sure in our wheelhouse, a lot of my bros made their living at those parties, but like we never aligned with any of the toxic bullshit. We are all about good vibes man, always have been. Come on, you know this. But look, we know we had to sit this out for awhile. And I’m totally cool with it, we all needed some time to heal, recenter our chill.
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We’re not even supposed to be carried around like that. I think it even says so on the tag around my neck. Does it happen? Sure. I’m not going to sit here and pretend I’ve never seen a dude throw back one too many Brew Careys and decide to chuck us like a spear across the yard. But usually someone’s like “Hey dude, chill out, that’s not cool.” And that’s like the end of it.
In a way, I’m sort of glad I had to go "under-shed” for a couple of years. The only people still using us at parties were like the worst. Same red, white and blue motifs over and over like really? Sure on the 4th of July, maybe Memorial Day, but those assholes just cover everything in flags all the time, it’s totally insane.
Also, not for nothing dude, you really could have used us during that lockdown. I mean you couldn’t leave your house for a year and you’ve got this great backyard just sitting there. Couple tiki torches could have really elevated your stoke level. Just saying.
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And I know they make some pretty chill affordable backyard lighting options these days, I’m not mad at it. Actually, I really like those old timey bulb looking strands people have now. But between you and me, those bulbs don’t do shit for mosquitos.
Dude, look, here’s my pitch: I know you gotta have some leftover citronella in the kitchen under the sink. No pressure, just spark me up for like 5 minutes, if you don’t like it, you can snuff me out put me right back halfway under the shed and I’ll leave you alone.
But when that citronella smoke hits, and you get taken back to a happier time, promise me you’ll get a few more of my buds from the Home Depot, ice down the Yeti with some crispy boys and snag a brisket from Cosco. Then send out an email to 10-12 of your friends, encourage, but not require a rapid test prior to arrival, dust off that Big Green Egg, and throw down a killer socially distanced bbq.
You know we both need this man…c’mon. For old times’ sake?
Some band names up for grabs
Dr. Ted Tamsen's Halitosis Experience
Rammie and the Titans
Run GMC
The Rectal Combatents
Samuel Clements and the Earthwermz
The Slippery Whistle Band
Stabbie Jeremy and the Heave-Ho!
Da Gerald Fjordz
Stan and the Loufa Tones
The Shingle Treatments
Fancy Poo and the Farty Boys
Testicular Dancer
"Live" (pronounced "Live")
Frosty Bottoms and the Very Tight Boyz
There's too Much Salt on This
Stove Top Danny and the Old Can of Beans